The Poker Face. It could just be the solution that puts an end to the open judgement, mommy-shaming and mommy-wars.
Judgement is a part of human nature and in motherhood, unfortunately par for the course. I would be lying and so would you to say that I’ve never judged another mother. I have judged and I have been judged, many times. The mommy culture preaches that we must all ‘support one another’ and I wholeheartedly agree but let’s also be realistic. Judgement is natural and sometimes the greatest way to support another mother is to just put on your best poker face. Look the other way, control that eye roll, delete that draft Facebook or Instagram comment that wasn’t written with the best of intentions. Hell, go back and delete the comment that you posted before considering how it would impact the mother on the other end. Put on your poker face and move on. I would never condone a culture of judgement. In a perfect world we would all be able to support one another, judgement free. But our world – motherhood – isn’t perfect.
We’re all open targets for judgement as far as I’m concerned. We are working through the most difficult job there is and there is no manual. No mother has all of the answers and no two mother’s do this job the same. So of course, there is judgement. It’s ok to think you do this job better than the next mom, maybe you do. But rather than openly judging the parenting choices of another mother, put on your poker face, look away and focus on you and your own. Go home, tell your husband about that horrible mother you encountered in the grocery store, or write about it your damn diary if you need too. Don’t let your eyes, your glare or your words (said or typed) make that mother feel small. Chances are whatever has caused you to hold back your open judgment has already done just that. We should not be in the business of kicking each other when we’re down.
I’m someone who likes to give the benefit of the doubt. I like to believe that the majority of the judgement we may feel as mother’s is completely unintentional from the person on the other end. Which is why the poker face is a two-way deal. When some old lady in Target gives your kids the death stare and says ‘you REALLY have your hands full,’ in the most condescending tone you’ve ever heard, you aren’t going to snap back ‘THANKS for pointing out the obvious!’ Two way. You put on your poker face, your best fake smile and say ‘yep, I do’ and move along. Why do we do that? Well, because it’s rude to yell at old people, right. Rude to yell at anyone. And also, we’re setting the example for the children sitting in that Target cart. So, why is it that sometimes we give grace to the person handing out the open judgment but we don’t give grace to the fellow mommy who needs it?
We’re raising children in a far different world than we one in which we were raised. Judgement comes in many more forms…more so than even just a few years ago. Whether you’re openly judging or mommy-shaming someone to their face or hiding behind a computer screen and keyboard, it doesn’t matter. Neither are right, fair or supportive in any possible way. You can’t hide open judgement behind the ‘I was trying to educate her’ card or the ‘she needs to know that that is wrong or dangerous’ card. Mean is mean. If no one is asking for an opinion or comment, it should be a rule to just not give one. If someone IS asking, respond with respect and kindness. Put on your poker face and give that mother the benefit of the doubt that she is doing the best she can.
That mother who is struggling with her kids in the doctor’s office or yelling at the playground or posting a photo, question or comment on the social media that you think is ridiculous? We should treat her not the way in which we would want be treated, because we can handle it, right? No, treat that mother in the way that you would want your daughter to be treated when she is in that same position.
Maybe you’ll judge that mom in the grocery store. I really won’t blame you if you do, but for the sake of the sisterhood that is motherhood, do so silently and with a damn good poker face.
Mommy Diatribes
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