Do you use the Empty Threat? I do and I’m not proud. The empty threat is the absolutely ridiculous ultimatum we throw at our children when they simply won’t respond to anything else. It is a threat that will never be seen to fruition. There is no follow through on the empty threat. It’s empty. It’s not something we use on purpose, right. It’s a lot like bribery…when all else fails, you reach for whatever might work. That, unfortunately, is when the empty threat comes on strong.
All the parenting books and websites will tell you to never use the empty threat. I get it. It just doesn’t sound right…let’s threaten our kids with flat-out lies. Not a great concept. But I would love to hear what those parenting experts would recommend when my 3-year-old has taken her clothes off 1 minute before we have to leave the house and refuses to put them back on. When a simple ask, light hearted reminder and bribe won’t work, what would you suggest, dear parenting expert? I’m sure a legitimate threat isn’t recommended either, but we always go for that first. ‘If you don’t put your clothes back on and stop running away from me, I’m going to take away your [insert favorite toy, treasure or screen time here]’ Sometimes that works and sometimes it just doesn’t.
So, what’s next? What do we do when the legit threat just doesn’t work? We reach for the empty one. ‘Ok, if you don’t put your clothes on right now, you are not coming with us to mom-mom and pop-pop’s house.’ It is an actual lie. I cannot leave her behind because I’m pretty sure it’s illegal to leave a 3-year-old home alone. In that moment it doesn’t matter that we are technically telling our child a little white lie, if it works, it works. The problem is, it doesn’t always work. So then we’re left feeling foolish for having to pull the empty threat in the first place.
Despite what the books will tell you and despite our best efforts, the empty threat happens. Here are 4 times when the empty threat comes on strong…
WHEN YOU ARE TRYING TO GET OUT THE DAMN DOOR
You know the feeling. You’re late and need to get out the door. You are being as sweet as possible while trying to pack your kids into the car. But there is always one, right? And one of your children doesn’t care that you have to be at your niece’s graduation in 15 minutes. So, he starts playing ‘catch me if you can.’ Jerk. After threatening to take away his tablet and favorite toy, you say ‘If you don’t get in the car right now, I’m calling your teacher and telling her how you’ve been acting!’ We all know that isn’t going to happen, but maybe it will get your little boy’s attention long enough to throw him in the car. Maybe.
WHEN YOU ARE TRYING TO LEAVE SOMEWHERE AND GO HOME
‘Ok, honey, it’s time to go home. Go say bye and give kisses to everyone.’ Riiiight. We all know how that goes down. So, then it becomes ‘If you don’t get in the car right now, I am leaving you here.’ Lie. It’s a lie. But we say it anyway because sometimes reinforcements come in the form of empty words.
WHEN OUT IN PUBLIC
‘If you don’t stop what you’re doing right now, I am taking you home.’ Now, sometimes this can be a legitimate threat…you may be in a situation where if your little girl doesn’t stop screaming in Target you’ll leave the cart. You aren’t afraid to walk out! This threat usually only becomes empty when there is more than one child in the mix. You are at that sweet summer carnival and one of your 3 starts acting a little crazy. ‘We will leave right now if you don’t pull yourself together…’ But no, you won’t, at least in most cases. Because you have 2 other kids there, and you’ve met up with friends and everyone is having a good time, except one. So, you start reaching to calm the one little beast.
WHEN ALL ELSE FAILS
That’s right. The empty threat is the last resort. So, we can take solace in knowing that it’s not the first trick we pull out of our hat. We try to be sweet, we try to remain rational, we pull out the legitimate threats first. And I say, if we have exhausted all of our resources to get to that point, we deserve to pull the empty threat. Because sometimes the only thing that will work is an absolutely ridiculous ultimatum. Do whatever you have to do to get through.
Next time you are in Target (it always comes back to Target) and hear the mom next to you threaten to call the police, or leave her kids in the store, don’t judge. Give her the benefit of the doubt that she’s tried everything else first and needs some reinforcements…in the form of empty words.
Mommy Diatribes
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