Bedtime. Such a contradiction. We wait for it and wait for it. There are some nights that we literally count the seconds until we can say (or yell) ‘it’s bedtime!’ When it’s finally here, and we can walk up the stairs toward a few hours of freedom, it becomes the most hectic and chaotic point of the entire day.
Peaceful. Like this.
In a perfect world, bedtime would be peaceful. It would be the winding down after a long, busy day. It would be a routine that ushered sleepy children to their beds without a fight. When our children are babies we’re encouraged to start a bedtime routine early on, so that even as infants, they come to expect and even maybe look forward to that routine. What those same encouragers forget to explain is that once your baby turns into a toddler, following that sweet bedtime routine becomes increasingly difficult. Yes, maybe we still follow the same basic steps but it looks a little different now. It looks like a complete crap-shoot.
Bottom line, the peaceful bedtime routine ends when our babies turn into walking, talking, toddlers. Add in multiple children, and that bedtime routine is now 45 minutes of absolute chaos. I once had a perfected bedtime routine. It was text book. Now? Well, Here is a more of a realistic picture. One that isn’t perfect but what is, right?
1. ‘It’s bedtime, kids!’
2. The struggle. ‘Nooooooooo!’ One hides. One cries. Another runs upstairs while pulling her clothes off, leaving them on the kitchen floor, stairs and banisters…hopefully she’s getting this out of her system now, so it doesn’t happen in college.
3. Still Struggling . Get to the top of the steps and two go into the bathroom as they should while another runs down the hall, playing the ‘catch me if you can’ game.
4. Potty Time. You have to force the 3-year-old to use the potty. The 5-year-old does it, but rolls her eyes in the process. Diaper on the baby, pull-up on the toddler. Good to go!
Don’t let their sweet faces fool you.
5. Teeth Brushing and other miscellaneous BS. The 5-year-old is pretty independent at this point but you still have to hover. Proceed to brush the teeth of two limp bodied toddlers because why would they make it easier on us at this point? Wash six little hands, wipe off faces.
6. PJ’s ON . Well, sort of. 5-year-old is on her own for this one which means she’s probably sleeping in a summer tank top when it’s 30 degrees outside. The 3-year-old agreeably puts on her nightgown, which is enough cause for concern. While you start wrestling with the baby, she ends up underneath the bed. With zero clothes on. The baby is kicking and fighting the clothes change, trying to pull on your hair and making you his own personal punching bag.
7. Story Time. In your dreams, you imagine all 3 sitting in a little circle listening as you read sweet bedtime stories. Well, this is far from your dreams. One is listening, another is playing with the bedroom curtains and another still has no clothes on. You read book after book while your husband continues your fight to get the baby dressed. You skip pages as you go because this has to end at some point.
8. The Separation. You start separating the kids for actual bedtime, because nope, we still aren’t there yet. Your husband takes the baby into his room, kicking and screaming because he is in a ‘I can’t be separated from my mommy’ phase.
9. One Down! Put the toddler to bed, gated in her bedroom like a jail cell. Oldest wanders into her room and waits for her stories, because god forbid she just listens to the 300 you just read the other two. Nope, she’s almost 6, she is way too old for the baby books.
10. Two Down! Go to the baby next. Rock him, sing him 18 songs, rub his back, ask him 30 times if he’s ready for bed and finally, on the 32nd time you ask he finally says ‘sure.’ So you lay him down and move onto the oldest, who is pissed that it took you 15 minutes to get to her.
11. Just kidding. You realize quickly after leaving the baby’s room that the monitor is off, so you have to sneak back in. Except, there is no such thing. He stands up immediately, and number 10 basically has to be repeated from start to finish.
12. Three down. You read your 5-year-old one more book, talk about her day, say a ton of super sweet things, tuck her in and finally walk into the hallway free of children!
13. Wait, wait…The toddler is screaming because she’s thirsty. Grab a cup of bathroom tap water and take it to her.
14. Almost…but no. There is a bug in the 5-year-olds room. Or at least she thinks there is a bug in her room. It’s an ant. There is an ant on the edge of her bedroom, basically in the hallway. She spotted it from her bed and cannot sleep until it’s gone. You kill said ant (sorry!) and hope that’s the end.
15. Peace and Quiet. Is there peace and quiet? Nope, never. Each has a sound machine on, one has a fan, two have nightlights. Two sleep with doors open, hall lights on. There is no such thing as peace and quiet.
You come downstairs, look at the clock and roll your eyes. 45 minutes. That charade, that routine, took 45 minutes from start to finish. Imagine if bath-time was added in. No, thank you.
So, we wait and wait for bedtime and when it finally gets here, it is easily the hardest 45 minutes of the entire day. Irony at its best and just another cruel joke of motherhood. No one can ever tell us momma’s that we don’t go out on top.
Mommy Diatribes
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