It is the only piece of advice I ever offer and the best advice I ever received: Build Your Village. Words to live by.
Parenting is hard. The type of hard that often makes you want to crawl in a corner, binge eat, cry your eyes out and delve into the liquor cabinet all at once. No one can ‘parent’ alone. We all need a village to rely and fall back on at times. We need a person to call in the middle of the night when one baby has to be rushed to ER with a fever of 104. We need a person who will watch the kids in a pinch when the sitter backs out right before an important meeting. We a need a person to vent too when the walls start closing in. We need a person who can remind us that outside of the kids, we are still people with our own needs. We need a village because it takes a village. I built mine without really knowing it, which I’m sure is the same for many parents out there. But if you are going to be purposeful about building your village, you’ll never regret having these people on board…
1. The In a Pinch
This is the person you call at 1AM when your rushing one baby to the hospital and have another at home. The person who you could call any time of day or night and know they will answer the phone and help in any way they can. This may be the hardest piece of the village to find, but you’ll never regret having a ‘In the pinch’ person in your life. The ‘In the pinch’ is a must have from the get-go….even before the get-go.
2. The Listening Ear
Never overlook the importance of the ‘listening ear.’ In my opinion, the ‘listening ear’ is by far the most important piece of the village. Someone who understands, doesn’t judge and may not offer advice, but encouraging words. We all need a person like that in our lives – the backbone of the village.
3. The Coffee or Happy Hour Date (pick your poison)
The name says it all. Have someone in your village that is up for having a coffee date or going to happy hour. Someone who you can meet outside of the house and away from the babies. It may be the same person as your ‘listening ear’ or it may be someone totally different. I’m a firm believer in ‘me’ time and there is nothing better than the occasional coffee or happy hour date with a friend. I have a very dear friend who I meet for dinner when either of us starts to feel overwhelmed. She is the person I call and say ‘I need to chat. Can we meet Thursday for dinner, after the babies are in bed?’ We chat about whatever we want, have dinner and a glass of wine. Sometimes we talk about our kids and other times we talk about anything but our kids. Either way we go home feeling recharged and looking forward to seeing those babies in the morning. Find a friend who is down for coffee, dinner or happy hour and never let them go!
4. The Playdate Connection
Playdates can be plain stupid, we all know that but they can also be a a saving grace. Find a mom, coworker, friend, or even someone who isn’t a friend but has kids close in age to yours, that you can meet for playdates every once in a while. Even though the playdate itself may be painful, your giving yourself and your kids the opportunity to be social. That playdate and that mom-who-isnt-really-a-friend, may lead to a great babysitter suggestion or may introduce you to other parents to help form your circle. Go on the playdate, you won’t regret it. Well, you won’t always regret it.
5. The Other Soccer Mom (or dad)
As much as you want to know your children’s friends, it is just as important to be connected to their parents. Meet the other mom’s on the soccer team, connect with parents from your child’s second grade class. You never know when you may need someone to pick up or drop off your little gymnast or dancer or soccer player. Is it picture day today? I don’t know. Have someone you can text to ask those questions when your brain is fried. Make it a point to meet the other parents, get to know them and hopefully they will be people you’ll learn to trust. Offer to help them when needed and they’ll help you return.
Build your village. Be purposeful about it. Our instinct is to reach for our families when we need support, but when your family isn’t a option start connecting with others around you. Don’t avoid your neighbors, became acquainted. Schedule that playdate. Go to the sometimes lame school events and talk to the other parents. Meet the people who work in your child’s daycare – they can be an amazing resource and connection. Have an aunt close by that you haven’t spoken to in a while? Reach out, she may need you as much as you need her.
My village is a mix of family, extended family, close friends and strangers who have slowly become life-lines. No one village will ever look the same and that’s the beauty of it. What is important is that you have people to rely on, people to help carry the load – the physical load, emotional load or both.
Find people you can trust, truly and wholeheartedly, and build your village around those people. We all need a life-line and that’s what a village is for.
Mommy Diatribes
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