You already know where this is headed, don’t you? I’m confident that EVERY mother can relate to this in one way or another. You know the disparity and pure astonishment that is the following statement: My children eat all day long. They literally eat all day long and if allowed, they would have food in their hands at every second of the day. My life literally revolves around food. Not food for myself, but for the 3 little dictators that I live with and apparently am here to serve. If I had to map our typical day, it would look something like this…
7:30AM
Kids wake up.
7:36AM
Kids start asking, yelling and screaming about what they each want for breakfast. The two youngest dictators each want milk with their breakfast and the oldest drinks water. Notice I said ‘drinks’ and not ‘wants’ because if she had her way, she would drink orange Gatorade with every single meal. It never fails that one will ask for something absolutely ridiculous for breakfast. ‘Can I have mac and cheese and goldfish for breakfast?’ Umm no, friend.
8:00AM
Everyone is eating and ‘happy.’ Someone doesn’t like their breakfast and asks for something else. No, friend. Don’t worry, you’ll have a snack in about 30 minutes so you won’t have to wait that long.
8:20AM
We are walking out the door. One of the three asks for a snack and it’s not the one who hated her breakfast. What, child? You just ate breakfast 5 minutes ago! Not happening. Plus, if I stop now and go into that pantry, I’ll lose my momentum, we’ll be late and I’ll be pissed.
8:45AM
Back home with the youngest two. Both swing open the pantry the second we walk through the door. Snack time or really, it’s just time for a second breakfast.
9:45AM
I find one in the pantry again. AGAIN! Fine. Have a snack and grab one for the other while we’re at it, so I can avoid another round of snack madness.
10:00AM
Run to Target for one thing. JUST ONE THING. Grab that toilet paper and one asks if they can have popcorn at checkout. NO! Can I scream it for you?! NO, you just ate 15 minutes ago. In fact, you finished that snack in the car, so I’m sure if you are really hungry you could pick up a few extra raisins off the car floor. Have fun with that!
10:30AM
Make a quick stop at our favorite park to get some energy out. Get them nice and hungry for the next 18 snacks of the day.
11:15AM
It’s getting close to lunch and I know they are going to start asking. I load them back up in the car and head home before shit starts hitting the fan.
11:30AM
Lunch. Which is basically a mix of fruit, maybe some yogurt and more snacks.
12:45PM
Another f’ing snack before quiet time.
3:30PM
Up from a super relaxing and recharging quiet time (sense the heavy sarcasm) and guess what, they are READY for more food.
3:40PM
The oldest gets off the bus after a long day of school. She deserves a snack. Now, the other two, who have been with me all day and eating me out of house and home? They ask again but the answer is a hard NO.
5:15PM
They start asking for another snack. I mean, I get it. It has been almost 90 minutes since their last food intake. They must be STARVING. I’m 15 minutes from being done with dinner so, the answer is NO. They have 15 minutes to wait but it turns into 30 minutes because they will not stop asking for more food, rummaging through the pantry and swinging the refrigerator doors open.
5:45PM
Dinner. No one eats a damn thing. Maybe it was the 30 snacks…
6:45PM
Hungry again. One last snack before we start the bedtime madness. I get those snacks with gusto, friends. I shut those pantry doors, turn off the kitchen lights and declare that kitchen CLOSED.
WHAT THE ACTUAL F. Why do these kids have to eat all day long? It is pure insanity. It isn’t just the amount of food they actually eat; it is so much more than that. It’s that you can’t leave the house without a stash of 18 snack packed away in your purse, your car and the diaper bag, just in case. It’s that the second they finish one snack they are immediately asking for another. Are their stomachs empty pits? It’s that they go into the pantry on their own and rummage through everything until I have to come and break-up the madness. It’s that they swing open the refrigerator doors and pull out a jar of pickles or minced garlic, claiming that is what they want for their 18th snack of the day. Oh yea? So smart, huh, you want a pickle for your snack? Right. It’s that these snacks are left all over the house, the car and random other places that you will unfortunately come across much later. Coat pocket, purse, bedroom nightstand – you never know!
Now don’t get me wrong, although it may seem that way, it is not a free-for-all around here but if it were up to my 3 kids it absolutely would be. I have some semblance of order and schedule but just as I’m sure happens in your house, they try to wear me down. I find myself thinking at random points of the day ‘you are going to make yourself sick!’ How do they fit all of that food into their tiny bodies? Where does it go? How is biology allowing this to happen? So many questions, mixed with confusion and even sometimes, a little disgust.
We all know the irony of the empty-pit toddler stomach…it is a lot like selective listening. They are hungry when they want to be. They are starving and gorge themselves all day, until you actually sit them down for a legit meal and ask them to eat a steamed vegetable. You set that plate in front of them and magically, nope, not hungry. Ironic, manipulative or just demonic? We’ll probably never know.
Mommy Diatribes
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