I was once at a birthday party when another mother asked about my children’s personalities. It was a harmless question but I made it lethal with my answer. ‘Oh, she’s the rule follower, the first child. She is so sweet and kind. Now, this one…oh, she is wild, a little naughty and very ornery. The wild middle…’ I was mostly saying it to get a laugh, add a little funny to the mix. One party goer, a father of three, didn’t laugh. He did however, chime-in with a piece of unsolicited advice that now sits firmly in the back of my mind. ‘Oh, Mom, don’t label them. Labels stick.’ I felt a little rush of shame take over and for good reason. I was wrong.
It’s one thing to discuss your child’s behavior within the walls of your own home in private conversation but once you put it out into open air, you are unknowingly giving others the permission to speak about your child the same way. Most, if not all, of the things I say about my middle are said in jest and to make light of her sometimes less than stellar behavior. But to hear those things said back to you about your own child and not be able to control the tone? Those are eye opening and sobering moments that I opened myself (and my child) up to. I realized very quickly that it didn’t matter that I wasn’t speaking those labels directly from my mouth to my child’s ears. I never once said directly ‘you are the wild child’ or ‘you are naughty.’ What mattered is that I said those words at all. Words are powerful. They were heard and they were noted.
The impact of labels extends well beyond the individual child. As that child’s parent, you are directly impacted even if it was you who placed the label in the first place. Siblings are impacted, which can be just as harmful. The label will impact other’s expectations of your child and ongoing perceptions. You may be thinking, ‘who cares what other people think?’ But when that other person is thinking or feeling something negative about your child, you will care especially if you are partially responsible.
We are raising our children in a culture that wants to put a label on everything. Even as mother’s, we label one another. There is the ‘helicopter mom’ and the ‘crunchy mom.’ There are SAHM’s and the working moms. The list goes on and on. The most important piece here is the common thread. We are all moms. We don’t all fit into a category, I certainly don’t and the same goes with our children. Whether they are the rule follower, or the jock, or middle child, or overly emotional, or the sweetest child on planet earth. They are children and they deserve to live outside of those labels and define themselves.
There are the labels we don’t even consider, because on the surface, they seem positive. ‘She is the rule follower.’ ‘He is kind, almost to a fault.’ ‘She’s a little shy and nervous.’ None of those could cause a child emotional stress, right? Probably not, but maybe. When you label, whether positive, negative or meant in jest, eventually that child will feel the need to live up to that label. My mom always says, thoughts become things…if a child hears often enough that they are the ‘wild child’ that is what they will be forced to believe. Even a ‘positive’ label can end up having negative implications.
What it comes down to is that children are just that, children. They are beautiful, unpredictable, amazing, truthful little creatures that should not be labeled. Although it feels natural to do so, we should never feel the need to justify or make light of our children’s behavior, good or bad. ‘She’s tired.’ ‘He is starting to get sick.’ ‘She is going through an awful phase right now.’ Our children need no excuse or apology made on their behalf. They are children, babies. If as their mother, we are feeling or reeling from their behavior, that’s on us and not a burden they are meant to carry.
Now I find myself in a place of trying to correct my own mistakes and do my sweet middle some justice. It’s not a good place to be. I can’t go back and correct the perception of her that I’ve created but I can start over. I can accept that sometimes her behavior is less than stellar and stop with the added commentary. At her absolute worst or absolute best, I would choose her over anyone else. She is a child and from now on, that is the only label I will allow to be placed upon her, from me or anyone else.
The beauty of parenthood is that tomorrow is another day. We can learn from our mistakes, find a way to make it right and start over. If you are ever feeling that you need a redo, allow yourself to have it. Learn from my misstep and that father of 3. This certainly will not be my last, so stay tuned 🙂
Mommy Diatribes
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