It’s shocking the things we have to say to our children throughout the day. I don’t know about you, but when I became a parent I didn’t think about the fact that these little people would need me to teach them EVERYTHING. I mean, I knew but didn’t process what it would mean to have to teach the little lessons. I thought about the big ticket lessons. Be kind. Be patient. Use your manners. I didn’t think about the small but equally as important lessons. We don’t stick our hands in the toilet. We do not color on ourselves. We do not stick our hands in our diapers. You get the point. You would think it would be obvious to not put your hand in the toilet…but to a toddler, it just isn’t.
We all laugh at the funny and inappropriate things that our children say throughout the day. You think to yourself ‘I need to write that down!’ But have you ever thought about the things that we have to say to them? All of these little life lessons lead us to say the most ridiculous things to our children. The simple commands, instructions, and questions, words that in a thousand years we never thought we would have to say. Yes, friends, that list is much better than any inappropriate toddler talk…
No, we do not put our hands in the toilet.
Or feet, or toys, or other people’s hands. We don’t use 800 pieces of toilet paper and we flush one time, not 5. Anyone who has ever potty-trained a child has said this statement and 1,000 just like it.
Do not color on yourself.
Give a toddler 30 seconds alone with a marker and they’ll look like they have a full sleeve of tattoos. Why is their first reaction to having a marker to either draw on themselves or the walls?
Do you have chap-stick? Why do you have chap-stick?
Or anything that belongs to you, that they aren’t supposed to have. Tampons. Money. Jewelry. Your wallet. Car keys. Medicine. The list goes on and on. If it belongs to you, they want it.
We don’t eat dog food.
There are lots of things we don’t do to the dog but eating her food is a big one. I mean, really? It can’t taste good – what is the appeal? I don’t get it. Don’t eat the dog food. Don’t touch her water bowl and don’t feed the dog weird things! Vet bills are somehow waaaay more expensive than a trip to urgent care.
Playroom wall. She tried to blame her sister for this one.
Why are there Barbie dolls in the washing machine?
Why are there toys in the sink? Why is there real food in the play kitchen? Why are your shoes in the bathtub. Where is your diaper? These are the types of questions that we should just stop asking because there is no logical answer.
You have eaten enough food today!
I mean, just the statement alone sounds so ridiculous. But, come on! After the 8,000th
snack I know for damn sure you cannot possible still be hungry!
Why are your clothes wet?
A sippy cups spills, someone dumps the dogs water bowl or my favorite, someone tries to take a drink from my cup. Someone washes their hands but NEVER uses the hand towel. Someone is always wet! This question always leads to the next…why are you naked?
I smell poop. Who stinks? WHO STINKS?
THIS. What happens when we become mothers? Our senses go on high alert and we can smell a bad diaper from a mile away. And while I try to be inclusive, I refuse to say ‘parents’ in this example because somehow anytime someone has a dirty diaper, my husband conveniently never notices. Hmm. There is also the classic ‘did you poop today? or ‘when was the last time you pooped?’ Classy.
We don’t climb on the countertops? We don’t jump off the top of the swing-set. No, you cannot bring the rocks inside the house. Please put your pants back on. This is just scratching the surface! Anyone with toddlers knows that these types of conversations come with the territory. They may say the cutest, cleverest and funny little things all day long. But we? We sound damn ridiculous and for good reason. Who else is going to teach them not to stick their fingers in light sockets or touch a hot stove? No one.
Imagine what this list would look like if it included all of things that we wanted to say, but can’t, won’t and just don’t. That list would be unfiltered and filled with expletives, screaming and exclamation points! Maybe one day when I’m feeling really brave, I’ll jot down that list…
Mommy Diatribes
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